Title: Dust Bunny & The Dust Dunny's Revenge
Summary: Seeking solace in the archives, Ianto Jones finds a new friend. Later, that friend discovers an alien hiding amongst the Torchwood team.
Disclaimer: Torchwood is ©2006-2009 British Broadcasting Service Wales (BBC Wales). Star Trek: The Original Series and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ©1966-2011 Paramount Television and Norway Corporation. Copyrighted material is used without permission with no intention of profit from the works contained herein.
Translation Notes: Hab SoSlI' Quch is Klingon for "Your mother has a smooth forehead". It's a very big insult to Klingons.
Author's Notes: Guest appearance by a Tribble from Star Trek: The Original Series episode The Trouble with Tribbles and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode Trials & Tribble-ations.

The Dust Bunny

Desperate for an escape, Ianto slipped away to his favorite refuge, the archives. Once there, he set his coffee mug down, dropped into his chair, put his head into his hands and cried silently. Despite their teasing, Owen was his friend. Losing him hurt. Swallowing hard, he reached for the mug only to hear it purr as he lifted it toward his lips. Dropping the mug, Ianto stared down at the shards of ceramic surrounding a quietly purring ball of gray fluff. He reached down, plucked the fluffball up and absently petted, letting the quiet purr soothe his aching heart.

The Dust Bunny's Revenge

His diligent, yet fruitless search through the archives complete, Ianto headed back through the maze of storage rooms to the main portion of the Hub. He wanted a coffee. One he wouldn’t lose to his little companion. In addition, he could ask Jack if he knew why there was a large, sentient dust ball in his archives. The little critter’s purr soothed him. So, Ianto carried and petted until he reached the heavy door guarding his domain. He tucked his small fluffy companion into his jacket pocket, keyed the door open, and headed out. It swung shut behind him with a solid thunk. Ianto locked it, tucked the keys into the opposite pocket and resumed his trek for coffee. He stroked the dust bunny with one finger while he worked on the drinks. He poured his and Jack’s, but left the rest for after his talk with the Captain. Coffee in hand, he headed off to see Jack. A quick rap of one knuckle on the doorframe announced his presence. Ianto stepped inside the office, handed Jack his personal mug, and smiled a greeting. Before he could say a word, Jack rose and circled the desk. He took Ianto’s mug from him, set both cups on the desk and wrapped his arms around Ianto. A desperate kiss followed, breaking only when both men needed to breathe again.

“Is your pocket purring at me?”

“Hmm...” Ianto blinked to refocus his mind. Then he smiled at Jack. “That’s my dust bunny.” He chuckled and pulled out the little ball of gray fluff. He absently started petting it.

“Ianto?” Jack’s voice quavered while he stared at the creature Ianto held. “That’s not a dust bunny. That is the single most dangerous species in the galaxy.”

Ianto looked from Jack to the creature he held and back again in total disbelief. “This little ball of coffee addicted fluff can’t possibly be dangerous.” He stroked its back again and chuckled softly at its answering purr. “Except to my coffee.”

“That little ball of fluff has brought down empires, Ianto.” Jack set his coffee aside again and held out a hand. “Here, let me look at it.”

Ianto clutched the creature closer to him. He knew his fear for the little guy was almost irrational; however, its soft purr and undemanding presence soothed his grief over Owen’s current condition. “You won’t hurt it?”

“Of course not, I just want to check something.”

Ianto arched an eyebrow. He knew Jack was lying. If it truly was a dangerous creature, then Jack would do whatever was necessary. Still, he handed over the little fluff ball. “I found it in my coffee cup in the archives. It drank all my coffee, but that purr helped me over the initial...”

“Yes, that’s the trouble with tribbles.” Jack shook his head, took the tribble and turned it over. He started poking at its underside. The resulting purring increased until it resembled a well-tuned engine. “They love you, and love you, and love you...”

Ianto chuckled. A small smirk settled on his face while he watched Jack and the tribble. “Even the...” he paused for a moment before continuing, “The tribble seems to get off when you touch it.”

“This one is okay.” Jack grinned widely and handed the tribble back to Ianto. “Must have been someone’s pet as it’s spayed.”

“Have to keep it away from Myfanwy but...” Ianto trailed off for a moment while he petted his new pet. “I can keep it?”

“Yes, but if you see any others, you bring them straight to me.” Jack pointed a stern finger at Ianto. “Tribbles are born pregnant and reproduce every few hours. One tribble is cute, two tribbles are cuter, two days of tribbles and you’re knee deep in the loving little bastards.”

“That would be a bit... much.”

“Legend has it they nearly brought down a space station in less than twenty-four hours.” Jack shook his head a bit and resumed drinking his coffee. “In order to reproduce that fast they need to eat constantly.”

Ianto arched an eyebrow. He lifted his tribble to give it a closer examination. “Then why isn’t it huge?” He chuckled a bit and went back to petting. “This one hasn’t seemed to want anything but attention since I found him in my coffee mug.”

“Because it’s spayed. No reproductive imperative in this little gal. Or guy.” Jack shrugged one shoulder. “They all reproduce, so nobody’s figured out their sexes, if any.”

“I see.” Ianto stroked his fingers down the tribble again before carefully tucking him away in his pocket again. “I need to do the coffee round.” He reached for his mug, frowned at it, and shook his head. “And replace mine.”

“I could go for some more coffee.” Jack folded his hands in front of him and gave Ianto his best beseeching look. “And kisses, maybe?” He grinned at Ianto’s snicker. “Oh, don’t be surprised if your pet goes for the girls big time. Tribbles seem to love the female of every species.”

Ianto leant forward and gave Jack a quick peck of a kiss. “More later. If you come along you can watch the brewing.” He led the way out of the door with their mugs in hand. He looked back over his shoulder at Jack. “Well, women like cats and he seems like a bit less mobile version of a cat so no surprise there.”

“Can I watch you instead?” Jack pouted. “You’re sexier than the coffee machine.”

“You always watch me. I expect it now.” Ianto laughed softly as Jack started following him, eyes firmly on his ass, and led the way across the Hub to the kitchenette. Along the way, he paused to confirm Tosh and Martha’s coffee choices. Getting to the kitchenette, Ianto poured out his cold coffee, rinsed his and Jack’s mugs, and set to work on a new batch of coffee for the team. He would occasionally pause in his work to stroke the tribble in his pocket until, with a bit of a frustrated sigh, he pulled his new pet out and set it on top of the coffee machine.

A pale hand reached out and started to flick it away. Ianto slapped the hand away with a growl. “Don’t mess with Dusty, Owen.”

“Oh, Ianto!” Tosh gushed as she and Martha joined the group by the coffee machine. “It’s so cute!” She looked over at Jack in question. “Is it safe, Jack?”

“Thanks.” Ianto ducked his head a bit before looking up with a smile. “He says it is. I found it in the archives a little while ago.”

“Can I hold it?”

Ianto barely held back his urge to laugh at Tosh’s enthusiasm for this tribble. He lifted it up and handed it over. He watched Tosh and Martha pet and cuddle the little fluff ball while he worked on the coffee.

“Oooh...” Tosh breathed. “It purrs.” She looked around the room and held the tribble out to Gwen who was just coming to join them. “Look, Gwen!” The tribble squealed loudly. Everyone looked from the tribble to Gwen and back again.

“That’s a new sound.”

“Indeed it is.” Jack held out a hand toward the tech. “Tosh, would you pass Dusty here, please?” He took the tribble, cradled it in his hands, and then held it out toward Gwen again.

As the tribble squeaked, squealed and chattered at Gwen, the woman in question flinched and took a step back away from the animal. Ianto reached out and took his tribble back. He cuddled it close to him. He petted gently until it calmed down again.

“I think you and I are going to have a long talk, Gwen.” Jack’s voice was cold and unusually hard as he spoke to the Welshwoman. “Owen, break out the Oritthan scanner. Tosh, run deep searches on Gwen, Rhys, and anyone connected with them. And I mean deep. I want to know what the doctor said when he slapped their rumps.”

“Jack...” Gwen cajoled. “You really believe that... thing... it’s just a... what is it anyway?”

“It’s a tribble, Gwen.” Jack took a step forward. His hand dropped down to rest on his gun. “There’s a thing about these guys. There’s only one species they don’t like. One. And when they encounter them, they squeal.”

“But!” Gwen blinked. She widened her eyes and summoned up tears. “But I’m human, Jack!”

Ianto reached over and shut down the coffee machine with one hand. He chuckled softly as Martha held out her hands making gimmie motions at his tribble. He shook his head, handed it over and managed to contain himself as the two doctors poked at the creature who just purred away in response.

“It doesn’t like you, Gwen,” Jack said. He took another step toward her. “I wonder why.” He looked at the tribble currently being scanned by Owen, and laughed softly. “It even likes Owen - well, there’s no accounting for taste - but not you.”

“Jack....”

“It’s simple, Gwen. I want to know why the tribble doesn’t like you. Not much to ask really.”

“Why would you believe that menace over me?” Gwen turned a vicious look on Dusty the tribble. “You know me, Jack. Look it’s turned you all against me...”

“Why would you call Dusty a menace?” Ianto somehow managed to keep his voice calm. “All he does is purr.”

“You know something we don’t, Gwen?”

Gwen looked between the team members. It was clear from her expression that she was seeking allies. When no one defended her, she turned a hard glare on Jack and Ianto. “It’s an ecological menace, Jack.”

“And how would you know that, Gwen? Humans won't encounter tribbles for another five hundred years or so."

“I... I think I read it...”

“No, Gwen.” Jack cut her off. “We don’t have any files on tribbles.”

“Definitely nothing on these in the archives,” Ianto continued. He took Dusty back, held the tribble close to him and gave Gwen a cold look. “I looked before I came back up. So, Gwen...” Ianto trailed off and held Dusty out toward her. Once again, Dusty started squealing and shrieking. The noises now accompanied by hissing and spitting sounds. His pet really didn’t like his teammate.

“Get that... that thing away from me!” Gwen snarled. Her hands clenched by her sides as she took another step back from the group.

“Keep Dusty right where he is, Ianto,” Jack ordered. He drew his gun and held it loosely in one hand. “So, Gwen, got something to tell us?”

Gwen snarled at Jack. Ianto shoved Dusty a bit further forward. He resolved to pet the tribble for quite a while once this finished. He stalked forward; Gwen leapt back. “Jack asked you a question.”

Gwen cast another look around the Hub. She glared at them all before slapping a decorative pin on her jacket. A metallic whine began to echo through the Hub. Shimmering lights enveloped Gwen. The intruder alert for the Hub wailed. Jack, however, raised his voice to yell over the alarms after a slowly disappearing Gwen.

“Gwen... Hab SoSlI' Quch!”

Even as she disappeared, Gwen snarled and leapt toward Jack.

“Klingons.” Jack shook his head sadly. He lifted his wrist and used his wrist strap to turn off the alarms. “Absolutely no sense of humor.